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When I try to imagine a life without you in it, I can’t breathe. You knew me before any other did. You grew me inside of you. You labored for hours in agony to bring me into this world. And now I have to watch you leave it in a different kind of agony…
It’s the unknown that’s scary; what awaits you? Will you be blissful in the arms of Jesus and not think of us again until we join you? Or will you see everything we do and be with us more completely in death than you ever could in life? I guess I won’t know until I myself die.
But I’m so selfish…I want you here. I want important things like you telling me I’m doing a good job with raising my kiddos and such frivolous things like telling me my outfit looks nice. I want you to play with my hair and rub my back when I cry. Who will do that when you’re gone?
I feel like an orphan already. Dad left by choice. You are leaving by scratching and clawing against your will. I’m so scared about what life will look like when you’re gone.
Tonight is the first night since you’ve gotten sick a year ago that I’ve been angry and selfish asking, “Why us, God?” I don’t want to learn the lesson You have for us. I don’t want to be stronger. I don’t want all those cliche virtues I’ll supposedly gain after going through this trial. I want you, Mommy. But I want you to feel happy and feel loved and not feel pain anymore. I guess those two are not going to happen together, so I must give you up. But I’m scratching and clawing the entire time…
Becka - Stephanie, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for your realness, your honesty, and your openness. Losing people is the worst possible feeling in the world, especially when you know that they are fighting so hard to stay with you. Nothing anyone can say really makes it easier, but please know that people are praying for your family. There are people crying with you, just reading these posts and seeing these photos. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. <3
Tawnya English - Stephanie ~
Your diary is beautiful. My mother had passed away 8 years ago from a brain aneurism. She was only 57 years old. I miss her dearly. Your diary reminds me of the pain I endured during her passing. It is so heart warming to see you poor your love, heart and soul out into your journal of life and love for your Mommy.
I am praying every day for your family. God Bless you all.
Laura - You don’t know me, but your image and your words touched me. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I have come close to losing my mom to cancer, and it was close enough. I don’t look forward to the day where I can’t say hello again. I know you feel like you won’t be okay, but you will be because you have your mom inside of you. Her strength will carry you on. Let that bring you peace. Let that bring your beautiful mom peace. I am so sorry this is your reality, but am so happy to read your words that speak of a love that is neverending. God bless.
Kelly - I’m so deeply sorry for what your family is enduring. I will pray for you all ❤️