:: new perspective ::

Time and time again we are bombarded on social media with heartbreaking stories that attempt to remind us that life is so fragile…that we need to make every breath and every day matter…

Here is my reminder for you…and in typical photographer style, I have in all in pictures…I have to…it’s the only way I know to cope…

My mom’s birthday is August 24th…she turned 59 years old this year…she had been fussing with some bronchitis for the last six weeks and wasn’t really up to doing much so the kiddos and I baked her a cake and just visited her house…

Those dirty mixing bowls are still in my sink…

That day she was put on home oxygen because she was short of breath…I following my gut, packed a bag, and moved in to watch her alarmingly decline over the next few days…

We knew a few days earlier that she had suspicious masses on her lungs that were most likely cancer but were waiting on the biopsy to confirm our fears…

I knew something was drastically wrong when she got into the bathtub one morning and cried out in a muffled voice for me to come help her…she couldn’t breathe…she was panicking…

At that moment she lost all autonomy, all modesty, along with her ability to breathe…it suddenly became real…I texted friends…I basically lost my shit…I’ve never seen my mother that way…she was the strong one…

My friends have been the greatest…but the best advice I got at that moment was from my friend Drew…he said, “Sometimes the most poignant moments are also the most beautiful. Appreciate the moments you have to give your love to her.”

I have clung to those words every hour since…

The next day she took a ride in an ambulance to the hospital and has not been home since…that was three weeks ago…

She had a biopsy scheduled a few days later so we waited…and watched her decline and gasp for air…

The night before her biopsy, I crawled into bed with her and read to her the children’s book “Guess How Much I Love You”…if you aren’t familiar with it, it is a parent and baby bunny trying to one up each other on the amount of love they have for each other…I used voices, like I was reading it to my own children…it ends with the baby bunny saying “I love you to the moon”…and the parent bunny whispers, “I love you to the moon and then back”…you can imagine the tears from us both…it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life…

I always used that line on my kiddos until Claire upped me with the ultimate, “I love you like a circle, because it has no beginning and no ending.”

I told my mom I loved her to the moon and back…she told me she loved me like a circle…

Then I proceeded to explain the art of Snapchat to her and we took selfies and exchanged them with my friend Dani…

For a moment, we didn’t think about cancer…

Her biopsy came back inconclusive and she was getting worse…there was no clear reason why she couldn’t breathe as the masses on the CT scan were well to the sides…they scheduled a nasal-bronchial scope for Saturday morning to get a clearer view…

In the meantime, my sister drove 12 hours with three border collies to be at our sides…I hadn’t seen her since Christmas…

The kiddos visited as well and gave her a puppy that they named CJ…they knew Mamaw was sick, but didn’t know why…I didn’t want to mention cancer until we had a clear plan of attack…I didn’t take any pictures that visit because she looked terrible and I knew she was self conscious…

Saturday morning came…I knew I couldn’t be there because my son had a soccer game…on the way to the game, I got a text from Chrystal…

Both main bronchi were full of tumors…not a candidate for surgery anymore…likely stage four…

The world stopped…ironically, I couldn’t breathe…

I tried to hide my shock since I had the kiddos, but it didn’t work…”Mamaw didn’t pass her test, did she?” No babies…she didn’t…but life had to go on…

Running through my head were so many emotions of anger and regret and guilt…I’ve been preoccupied with my own issues and job transition, I wasn’t really present when we were together…and then the realization that she wasn’t going to see my kids grow up and be successful and get married and have kids gave me a feeling that I cannot put into words…

Claire kept asking questions and getting dangerously close to the truth…after his game, we stopped home to pack some more items and head to stay at Mamaw’s house which is closer to the hospital and she flat out asked me, “Does Mamaw have cancer?”…huge tears were welling in her eyes…telling her “yes, baby…she does” was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do…she is their partner in crime and only grandparent that sees them on a regular basis…

She realized that she was wearing Mamaw’s cross necklace…I had taken it off of her in the emergency room, put it on myself, and forgot to give it back…the day before, Claire stole it right off of me to feel close to Mamaw…she just held it and I held her as we both sobbed…

 I then got a text that she wasn’t doing well after the test and was moved to ICU…her vitals were not good and she unusually bled a lot during the procedure…I had to get there…my friend Dani to the rescue…she took the loves of my life and kept them occupied for a few hours so I could get there…love you my friend.

I wasn’t prepared…she was slightly sedated when the doctor came in so she didn’t know the results…my sister and I had to tell our dear mother that she was sentenced to death…as devastating as it was, I wouldn’t change it…we held her hand in a circle as we told her and prayed…

They moved her out of ICU the next day…we were glued to her monitors watching her oxygen saturation and heart rate with every move she made…I tried to work at the church on Monday and in the afternoon I received a text from Chrystal that stated she was worse and that she couldn’t even sit up and breathe…she hadn’t ate all day because she couldn’t breathe…could we really be losing her in a matter of days??? Would she never sleep in her bed again? Would she never make it to the kids’ games ever again? No more last hurrahs? How do I go there and look her in the eyes thinking that this may be the last time??

Scared I’m going to lose her and panicking, I contacted my friends and told them that I was scared I couldn’t do this…my friend Jamie who lost her dear Dad to cancer a few years ago sent this back to me…I love you dear…

Once at the hospital, we cornered the case worker and fast tracked some treatments for her…her only quick option was radiation to shrink the tumors to open her airways…ok…then get it scheduled…that day, I thought we were going to lose her in a matter of days…her fight was gone…there was nothing behind her eyes…

Again life had to go on…my dear friend Kayla picked up my kiddos and chauffeured them more than an hour round trip to Claire’s soccer game…you are an angel my dear friend…Claire scored two goals that match…she said she did it for Mamaw…

As we were walking to the car, the light through the trees was insanely gorgeous so I made them stop for a photo…Claire was sweaty and Jack had blue taffy teeth but I wanted that moment and that feeling captured…

Then Claire asked to take a few of me…I have no idea why, but I complied even though I hate having my picture taken if it isn’t a selfie…

I’m glad I did…

One step in front of the other…that’s all we can do right now…

On the way home, Claire started talking about Mamaw…the reality had hit her…

“Who will be with us at Christmas if she isn’t? Who will be at my birthday if she isn’t?”

That face…I couldn’t stop looking at the expression on her face…

We cried…a lot…then from the backseat Jack says, “Look! That plane is headed straight for heaven, I think!”

When we got home…I found this had fallen off of the wall in my kitchen and was laying in the middle of the floor…duly noted cosmos…

We all laid in bed that night and snuggled and talked and cried…Jack finally figured out what was going on…I can’t describe it…

When we pray, they always pray for comfort and understanding of those around her as well as for her healing…they are truly amazing and I thank God all of the time I get to me their momma…

Radiation started last Wednesday…25 treatments…

Chemo started last Thursday morning…6 treatments…once a week…

She did phenomenal…just some nausea…

After a few radiation treatments, she started to improve…even the doctors and nurses are impressed by her improvement…they said she was a bit of an anomaly…we already knew that, but we’ll take it…they completed an x-ray of her head and abdomen to look for more tumors…they found a spot on her brain…PET scan was Monday…

She did so well, they couldn’t keep her any longer at the hospital so on Monday afternoon, they moved her to a nursing home…she likes it much better there…we took her pizza last night which of course is much better than pureed nursing home chicken. It was a relief to sit there and not once see her struggle for a breath…the radiation is buying us time…more time…

How am I holding up? The best I know how…I’m not going to lie: I’m completely overwhelmed…I had a few hours home the other night for the first time in a month and instead of tackling my to-do’s, I laid paralyzed in the bathtub for three hours…

 More time…something we think we always have… (here comes the lecture)

I used to be the type of person that if I sucked one day, I would go to bed at night, forgive myself and say I’ll do better tomorrow…while that is nurturing to be forgiving to myself, it’s a lie…

I should have kicked ass today…

Insert your “should haves” here, and then do it…every day.

Because tomorrow truly isn’t guaranteed.

I am a compassionate person and feel others’ emotions to my core…when I see other peoples’ stories like this and then they tell me tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, my heart breaks and sometimes I think about changing things but it usually doesn’t stick…

You don’t realize how short and fragile life is until something like this happens to you…notice the little joys…be thankful…don’t get weighed down with what society tells you is important…you know what should be a priority so stop making excuses and do it…stop glorifying busy…it is in the un-busyness that life is experienced…it’s a choice…you have to choose it for yourself…

Love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance for your prayers and support…to my friends that have already helped to shoulder the burden, thank you…without you, I would have been crushed by now with the weight…

Make your every day count to the people that matter most in your life. Tell them right now you love them like a circle.

Every damn day.